Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Creature Comfort

(Sung to the tune of The Ballad of Davey Crockett)

Bored on a primmy lot on the Caledon Sea
Made a green Estate, to keep the airways free
Rezzed him a woods, so's he knew'd every tree
Found him a Bahr-cub to keep him company!

Gnarleee...Gnarli-hotep! He's the guy we're singing bout here!

Gnarli always felt he should treat the critters fair/
So he took it off to Steelhead, and they set to drinking there/
Then over to the brothel ,where he pushed it up the stair/
It went up the steps a cub, and came down a bear

Gnarlee..Gnarli-hotep! Is buying another beeer!

He Paddled back to Caledon a-when the evening fell/
A-running into banks, being drunk as hell/
Opened up the door and was hit by a smell/
And an angry mother bear who was waiting thar as well

Gnarlee...Gnarli-Hotep! Is Hidin' up in a tree!

Gnarli's Av: Stop!!!!! I've had it! Post after post of these ridiculous situations!! These posts should be about your experience in SL, what you've learned, not just contrived narratives, right?!!

Gnarli's Av: You could post about the fun you're having- your rediscovery of Tombstone and how much it's changed, or the great Skating party at Kittyswitch and how much fun that was..Or for heaven's sake, the adoration you feel for Miss Kiralette and how you you are filled with bliss every moment you spend with her! These are real posting subjects, not Keanu Reeves, bear-debauching, or a senile old coot spouting!

Gnarli's Av: Well, I've had it!! I insist that you start posting about items of of relevance and stop making me look like a fool!!!


Princess Gnarlikitti was a kitty with a very special secret...

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Interview With a World Warrior

43 years later -

One summer day in 1897, a Steam-Car approaches the parked wagon of an encamped grizzled old man vending from the riverside. As the auto sputters to a halt, it disgorges a smartly-dressed journalist clutching notepad and pen, who nods and chortles a greeting to the old man.

Interviewer: Good day, Sir!

Gnarli: Howdy! Can I interest you in a penguin?

Interviewer: Pardon?

Gnarli: Penguin, son! Finest of the fowl! these dance, too! I can let you have one for 15 Lindens.

Interviewer: ...How amusing.. but actually..Pardon, sir, might you be Mr Gnarlihotep Abel? of Caledon Kittiwickshire?

Gnarli: Aye, that I be! How may I help you, son?

Interviewer: Well, I understand you witnessed the Alien Attack incident of '54? The battle for Caledon? I'd like to record your story about what happened.. about the defense, what happened that day?

Gnarli: Ish!..a sad day! ...then a penguin perhaps?

Interviewer: Yes, perhaps. Do you have recollections of the day?

Gnarli: Well...why sure, young man, I can tell you about that...But these are mighty fine penguins, you may want to consider buying one..

Interviewer: I understand you were residing there when it happened?

Gnarli: Well, let me think back..yep, It was just after I had worked on the Abeldown estate, got it in order. I recall I then had some fool notion about running a steamship service between Steelhead and Caledon (they were two different lands back then) but had no idea how to man that ship, being used to the sail. The engines baffled me and I was casting about for an engineer and chief..Now I recall..

Gnarli: It was a July morning in 1854, I had..., let's see, already taken delivery of a steamship and was refitting it - my, I cut a dashing figure back then! I was not with the militia, as was normal in that day, balking at being ordered about since my calvary days (did I mention I was in the US calvary? anyway...) I recall the militia had split into two factions, with an argument about the best way to suck eggs, or some such...I was never much of an egg-sucker myself, so I payed no mind..anyhoo,

Gnarli: I remember that day I was fitting out the sternwheeler, and had jumped in the lagoon to pull out some pesky bullrushes, I remember that distinctly, when I heard an alarm raised- Aliens in Caledon! Not knowing what to expect, I ran aboard the steamer, grabbed my shotgun and went a-running, my clothes dripping, sopping wet, a-to the village, where I could see some kind of commotion from afar.

Gnarli: Coming into the village and looking down the street, I saw shiny figures with long draping legs or tentacles hanging and writhing, massive, high as a church steeple, hovering and menacing, moving near the main square above running, scattered, people below. I heard shots ring out, and as I watched, these beasts held aloft some sort of disk from which leaped bright fire, jetting forth to building-side and street-face, bursting flame everywhere. I stood in shock for a moment, not summoning myself to move until a great lash of fire struck near me to one side..I ducked and ran- I could feel the searing around me as I sped for the waterfront, my wet clothes now steaming and drying as I leaped past the flames.

Gnarli: On I ran..half dazed, till I met the shore and in the water I went, soothing, collecting my wits. The screams, shouts and shots continued, I heard ricochets and calls for stronger arms. Hopeless wailing in a case or two were shouted out by rallying calls. My shotgun had been emptied to no avail, I reloaded, and considered what could be done with these small arms in the face of the fiery threat.

Gnarli: As I looked up on Mr Mako's dock I saw my answer- a twelve pounder howitzer laid idle. Once having had the acquaintence of an officer of artillery, I had studied the firing of these guns, and knew it could be managed by one, so I gathered my strength and lit upon the dock, pressing and pulling the gun carriage to the street as the battle continued around the salty mermaid. Dashing back to retrieve a wheel-barrow of cartridge-made shot, I returned to the gun...

Interviewer: And then?

Gnarli: I poised the gun with a guess at elevation and opened my own barrage at the tall squid-like mechanism. Shot after shot I loaded and fired, flame-rays raining close on two occasions...I recall one monster made it's way over me, the other haven fallen at the mermaid under combined fire- I wheeled the gun around and opened up again, missing wildly, I am sure...At that time I heard the song of the beasts as they past overhead--"OohLahLah" it moaned. I felt the heat rise around me, and ducked for cover as fire burst up to either side... I took refuge behind a brick step and then, at once the remaining beast had departed..I learned later they had left to ravage other caledonian lands, but I hoped at that point they had gone for good.

Gnarli: I remember suryeying the destruction done, burning fires, injured defenders, a crumpled mechanism down which some continued to blast at. The call went up that these beasts were afoot elsewhere, had destroyed a militia camp and were still eager for mischief. I knew we must take the fight to them.

Gnarli: Not willing to settle for any less armament than this cannon, I fetched my horses, riding the Roan, I strapped the gun carriage to the strong bay and lit out in pursuit. Nightfall found me in the moors where I met the injured Baroness Amber, Dr Darien and Mr 98. Soon a troop reassembled after a stirring defense of Tammorach, the division mustered again at the Moors where Field Marshal (he was then but a leftenant colonel) O'Toole described how he had 2 of his favorite steeds shot out from under as he defended his own home and harried the machines throughout the lands of Caledon. A messenger arrived, announcing the beasts were marching on Mayfair, as the Militia formed for march, I sped off as fast as my steeds would allow, through the empty streets of Victoria, north through Cantraigh Duchy..hoping to lend defense through a flanking attack upon entry to Mayfair.

Gnarli: Well, to my surprise, as I neared the square of Cantraigh, there were two giant forms waiting there. I could see them easily, though they could not yet spy me. Hauling the gun up a local prominence, I sent word the beasts were near..then taking aim...

Interviewer: Yes?

Gnarli: I sent volley after volley of twelve pound round, some at blank range, I was savage in my attack, a machine fighting machine, the shot flew, the smoke filled the air, I heard it's song grow louder as it came toward me, the other fled, but one great shiny monster menaced me, casting it's heat shot below and around me, but obscured by the smoke, missing me, as I loaded and fired again and again. In a flash, it was gone. I do not not flatter myself it was destroyed, but the victory for me was sweet-simply to be alive. I held the last of my shot in my hand, one left..which I loaded and waited what seemed endless minutes for it's return. Finally I heard the alarm bells of Mayfair ring out, and, deserting the gun, grabbed my scattergun and sprinted for Mayfair town.


Gnarli: The battle raged on, I found myself making for the Bardhaven House, for my own reasons, choosing it as the halls I would defend. The monsters filled the skies with thier roars, the defenders of Calendon..Sir Edward was there, of course, and his troop, and many an angry landholder,.. as they fought the beasts with ingenious and deadly devices,

Gnarli: Oh, what a day was that bloody defence, how the beasts cried and bellowed, the men and women and tiny furry things of Caledon would not be removed with ease, and with the will of a nation fought back handily. The beasts tired, and damaged and denied, withdrew. Nevermore to be seen, to my knowledge. A WooHoo and Hurrah rang forth the town, echoing amidst both debris and unscathed structure as the Flag waved proudly on.

Gnarli: I feared for my lands, having not been back since early that day, so hiring a balloon, I made a hasty way back to the steamer, landing to find her thankfully safe. The battle was over for me only then. The frogs had not taken or sunk her.

Interviewer: Frogs? Ah..yesss..Mr Abel, It has been reported that you have the unique notion that these attackers were of nearby terrestrial origin? that is, from Earth?

Gnarli: From Earth? hell yes, from earth! They were Frenchies, I keep telling folks! I tell ya, I heard them sing "Ooh-Lah-Lah" after each man went down.. have you not seen Mr Eiffel's tower? the spitting image of these beasts..

Interviewer: Yes Mr. Abel, you did express that notion at the Ministry of Defense, and the Academy of Sciences...

Gnarli: The blowed-up cuss fools!

Interviewer: And..How many years were you at the Sanitorium later?

Gnarli: Mmmm.....

Gnarli: Say, you gonna buy a penguin or not, young feller!?

Tuesday, July 3, 2007